1, 2, 3, 4! [Attic Gamer] Hi guys, new Off-Topic, and today again, we’re going to talk about Disney! Everyone loves Disney, I don’t know a single person in the world who doesn’t. Even Hitler loved Disney! Magical moods, compelling characters, happy moments as well as sad moments, memorable songs… And the awesome parks with hotels far too fucking expensive! A while ago I was at a convention and stumbled upon this DVD set. I didn’t know it would CHANGE MY LIFE. I thought I’d found copper, but it was pure gold. So! Simba, the Lion King. Let me read the synopsis. “After the death of his father, Simba must win back the throne in order to become the king of the Savannah.” So far so good. “To help him in his journey, fairies grant him the power of the Big Dipper.” “Our young lion cub, along with his friend Bimbo the fawn, future king of the forest…” It’s Bambi. They just didn’t dare name him like that. “… but also Bagherra, Baloo, Kaa and many others will face many dangers and have to defeat the many traps of the evil tiger Shere Khan.” [Meanwhile… At Disney Company]
And for file 732, it took me three years! Three years! Activate the Elimination Protocol. Oh-ah. And so what happened- I know, you’ll tell me Disney used Kimba the White Lion to create The Lion King, but remember! The law states that if you’re more successful than the original work, it’s not plagiarism! So you can understand what happens here, I must first tell you about the MCU. *The Marvel Cinematic Universe?* Nope. The Mondo Cinematic Universe. You need to know that Mondo World, the people behind this cartoon, were initially producing Italian-Japanese shows in the 80’s. Cartoons like The Jungle Book or Robin Hood, which are obviously Japanese, the quality is much better! It probably rings a bell for everyone in my generation and even younger, as it’s been shown dozens of times on French TV. “~Long live Robin, we’re all with you!~” “~Aim well and straight, hidden behind your bushes!~” After these cartoons, maybe because they ran out of budget, Mondo World, who refused to give a fuck, decided to produce non-official sequels, animated in Europe this time, pretending it was the same characters, except, as you can see, there’s your expectations, and there’s the end result. And to keep it going, they started mixing the cartoons together! That’s how we get to the Jungle Book universe with Baloo, Shere Khan and Baghera, on which they throw other characters such as Bambi or Simba! They did it with all their cartoons, since you’ll find the off-brand versions of Robin Hood characters in Sleeping Beauty, in which the Sleeping Beauty Prince is going to another show to fight dinosaurs and armored dogs. And that’s how we got to that Lion King x Jungle Book cartoon and the birth of the Mondo Cinematic Universe. Simba, the Lion King, a cartoon produced by Mondo and directed by a Korean man named Kim Jung Ok, and it’s not his first try since he’d already plagiarized Mulan, Pocahontas and Sleeping Beauty. and in the latest news, that guy directed a movie called “The Swallowing Queen” in 2011. It’s a children’s movie. I swear. Simba, the Lion King episode 1 begins with Simba’s father, whom we shall call Mufaso, getting shot in the head by poachers. It must have been a tennis ball rather than a bullet because he’s still agonizing hours later. Why did the poachers even shoot down this lion if not to take him back as a trophy? Aw bloody hell, that’s what I forgot! On the king’s deathbed, all the animals around are weeping… “We shall teach your sons to be brave and wise like you, and this-” [Interruption] “Farewell, our King, farewell!” *… wolf howls I guess?* Wonderful wolf imitation. Get used to that because this cartoon had the brilliant idea to have the animals noises made by the dubbers, get ready for the panther! *various “animal” noises* *loud moan/groan* But plot twist! The poacher who took down Mufaso had been led there by Shere Khan, the evil tiger from the jungle! So the other animals decided that Mufaso’s cubs shall be raised by the wolves because: “It seems to me you wolves are the best educators!” “Your niece successfully brought up Mowgli the mancub!” By the way, just to say it, that cartoon is fucking hideous! Any time you take a screenshot of that cartoon, something looks horrible! What the fuck am I doing here. Anyway, the animals find Simba, who has fallen asleep on… a landmine, it seems, and help him away from it with… a stick. That’s when he learns his dad just died. “You were very lucky. If it weren’t for Bagheera, you would be dead.” “Like your father.” **Tactfulness** “What did you say? My father is dead?” “My father is dead! Oh Papa, no, Papa!” The nominees for Best Voice Actors are: Richard Climax, for the panther’s roar. Simba, for his father’s death. “Oh no, Papa!” “Oooh!” And the owl in the scene of “I forgot my line, so I’m filling.” “I am going to sleep.” “It’s time.” “There.” And this is just the first third of the first episode. I won’t detail everything, because this cartoon is so off-the-wall we should create a third channel just for it, Please note every title has a type. Episode two is called “Hulnger”, (I think they meant “Hunger”) Episode 3 is called the… “The Sexth Sense”? It has nothing to do with sex, of course. [Erasing all memories] The fun in this cartoon really begins with episode 6, when the Fairy Queen (that thing, yeah) invites Simba, Bambi and all their animal friends to give Simba the power of the Big Dipper. So Simba nows has powers… and the Big Dipper tattooed on his chest. Yes, like Kenshirō. So what are the powers, you ask. Strength? Wisdom? Clairvoyance? No! Now Simba can shoot fucking LASER BEAMS. “Oh! I know how to use it now!” [Scriptwriters’ office] (Laser=yes) Execute order 66. Oh-ah. Anyway, let’s fast forward a few episodes until nature does its marvelous work and as in the movie, Simba the Lion King is all grown up! And his conscience tells him to finally give up on his crusade and live in peace… “I am your conscience.” “I am your guide.” Just kidding! It’s the opposite! “Simba! You must punish those guilty of this treason!” There! Now that’s a good message for the kids! Then there’s a nonsensical battle between the animals, and they fucking mean it! I’ll remind you this is all because Simba heard a voice in his head calling for revenge! “Simba. You shall become a great king.” “Wise, and generous.” [Four minutes later] “Hurray! Yay! LOL!” “Nope.” And the world is finally at peace! Look how beautiful peace is! Dude, I was joking! I didn’t think you’d do it! Anyway, Simba starts crying, his tears flood the ground, this makes the land flourish again and makes him want to stalk… Dunno. Looks like a shaved camel. And you see it coming, here comes the off-brand version of the love scene in The Lion King! “Go Simba!” ~Can you see that ugliness?~ ~At least it’s cheap~ ~The scriptwriters~ ~Are all unpaid interns~ ~And they’ll regret this mess~ ~This cartoon doesn’t make sense~ ~They didn’t even try~ ~It’s so incoherent, but who cares~ ~Look at me, I can fly~ WHAT?! Seriously, we make the lions fly? Are we going to give them a red cape at this point? Yes. Simba finds… A magical cape. This cape (it was hidden in that tree’s ass but that’s a detail) By the way, he can shoot laser beams with his eyes too! Sorry, I can’t think about everything. By the way, I love the way the tree describes the cloak. “It is a magical cloak!” “It turns its bearer invisible,” “and protects allies in a 30ft radius!” Magic cape from the tree’s ass
Linked when equipped
Use: Makes you invisible in a 30 ft radius
Level 25 required
Sale price: 41G 15 S 5 B Now you’re thinking, it doesn’t get any dumber! It does! In episode 30, Simba, who’s shooting laser beams with his magical cape, meets a new buddy! A. FUCKING. DINOSAUR. “Dinosaurs!” … who can shoot laser beams. I’m not even shocked an animal can shoot laser beams in that show! After a while, you give up. The cartoon is so dumb, there’s no point in fighting it. *Actual feline roars for the dinos???* “The triceratops are going to-” No! That’s not a triceratops! Triceratops don’t eat meat and don’t roar like fucking cougars! Let me skip to the end. The two pirate mice have a magic pendant that allows them to teleport, and Simba’s kids can see into the future, go fuck your mom. “That is how the mystery of the pendant of Rates II was uncovered,” “which allows to move faster than it takes to say it.” “Tid and Ixel are putting their magical powers to good use,” “and maybe someday Simba and Bimbo’s children will live adventures as wonderful as their fathers did.” You’re very right, Gertrude, ’cause that series had a sequel about Simba’s children! What will it be? Simba Jr.’s adventures to stay king of the Savannah? A new enemy like Shere Khan? NOPE. It’s Simba Jr.’s adventures… AT THE SOCCER WORLD CUUUUUUUP! And it’s not a world without humans, ’cause I’d say “this is an animal-only world, so it makes sense.” There ARE humans! They appear several times in the show. No! It’s just animals playing fucking football and NO ONE GIVES A FUCK. But you know what? I won’t criticize this cartoon. BECAUSE FRANCE GETS SILVER! YEAAAAAAH! Go Les Bleus! Go Les Bleus! I want to die! Mondo World is very clever: they always released their cartoons right after the adequate Disney movie came out. The Lion King comes out in ’94: Simba, the Lion King comes out it ’95. Pocahontas comes out in ’95, and the Mondo World version “Pocahontas, Princess of the Native Americans” comes out in ’96. “~Around Niagara Falls, from the Huron people to the Eskimo…~” Ah, Pocahontas! This young Native girl who met John Smith and went to England! And who got raped by the entire crew during the cruise but they didn’t put that in the movie. I personally really liked the Pocahontas movie, especially the “Savages” song, which I think is one of the ballsiest Disney songs, with very strong lyrics. So, as I was saying, one year after the Disney movie is released, Mondo World follows with its own Pocahontas cartoon. So will it be like the Disney movie? You’d think so! Because it says in the description she marries a white man named John Smith and goes to England with a message for the king… Well, believe it or not… Nope! This is Pocahontas’s journey in the Disney movie as well as in real life… And this is Pocahontas’s journey in the Mondo World cartoon! It was on the right. Jonh Smith doesn’t appear ONCE in the entire series! And the only white people you see are in a 10-second flashback in episode 1, Those white assholes laughing in a cart and burrying animals alive! Yeah! Because… Yeah! The cartoon begins with young Hopi Jo, from the Hopi tribe, who, on his way home, sees lights appearing in front of him. They are the Native gods, coming to deliver him a capital message. Since I transmitted you… What is this thing?! What’s with the Lego face? I mean fuck! Won’t you at least fucking try? It’s so ridiculous even the character looks like he’s trying not to laugh! “We, the Kashinas, blessed spirits of your people,” “have been watching you for a long time.” “And we have discovered-” And this guy?! Aaw, I forgot my disguise! Anyway, he receives his mission from the “Native gods” and leaves. “You must go without delay to Pocahontas’s village. She is waiting for you.” “I am on my way!” [Awkward…] Anyway, so Pocahontas travels throughout the contient to meet the tribes one by one. We won’t detail every episodes, but some episodes were particularly gross. So before I show you, I must tell you this cartoon was shown on daytime TV, so it was a show “for the whole family”. However, if there are kids watching this video right now… Get out of here. I’m serious. Get out of here. Episode 17. Pocahontas meets another Native tribe with traditions that are… How to say it… Alright, really, this is your last chance to get out of here, because really, it’s not something you want to see. I’m not joking. Alright. Not the nipples. Not the nipples. This scene is 4 minutes and a half long. It has everything. The close-ups on the open wounds, the slow-mo, the close-ups on the pain-torn faces, blood falling on their feet… NOT. THE. NIPPLES. “~You think I’m an ignorant savage~” YOU ARE. For a few seconds I though it might be some sort of real accurate tradition,
(fact: sadly, it really existed) so I googled “Native American nipples”… I found… a lot of videos… None of which really relevant… But I still believe! I’m sure we can get one accurate episode! Put on the next one! I still believe! Go fuck yourself. Episode 18 is a battle episode So Pocahontas has the power to summon troops from her red-spotted horse, they’re fighting against the Spiderman tribe, who can shoot laser beams… You’re really into lasers, aren’t you? Pew! Pew! Luckily, she gets help from the animals of the forest, look at them run… and they can shoot laser beams too! And help from the clouds too. I mean, why not? With all these powers, if the Native lost, it’s because they deserved it. The series ends with Pocahontas in Mexico and Peru, with Mayas, Aztecs and Incas, to warn them about the arrival of the Conquistadors. (Well that failed.) You’ll tell me, it can’t be, as Pocahontas lived a century after these precolonial civilizations. Why would that be a problem? “You shall travel in time.” And to end this kids’ show on a good note, Pocahontas witnesses a human sacrifice. Yup. Sounds good. “?????????” [Jean-Michel Scripwriter] Yes, we did a lot of research on Aztec languages to be as accurate as possible. And we lost it all. Uh, I mean, Gerry lost it all! Uh! Back to what I said in the beginning, did you like Avengers? The Mondo World has it too! 15 years before Marvel had the idea! The ultimate cartoon in which ALL the cartoons meet. The Mondo Cinematic Universe! And when I say all, I mean it! There’s no limit! Pocahontas teams up with Mulan, Aladdin with the TMNT, I AM NOT JOKING. Hear it again: There’s a two-headed dog, an ugly dino, a bear, Geronimo (who’s a descendant of Pocahontas), Mulan, Aladdin, Hercules, a Ninja Turtle and David fucking King of the Jews?!? And they’re riding a giant blue eagle. AMEN TO THAT. MIX. ABSOLUTELY. EVERYTHING. Look at that excerpt from the last episode of the show! It makes no fucking sense! [When there are too many mods on your Skyrim] VR Chat is more coherent than this show! It looks like a Fortnite game on LSD! Yup!
[This is the Genie from Aladdin] Disney Company Lawyers! You stand accused of plagiarizing our movies! Please follow us. Sorry. Wrong address. Oh fuck, that felt amazing! Stop everything, it doesn’t get any better than this. I am now giving the Best Franchise Ever award to the Mondo Cinematic Universe! [Special thanks to Mondo World for giving us pure gold] [Special thanks to Disney – plz don’t demonetize us, we love you :(]